when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
