I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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