We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
sarcasm needs its own font
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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