im about as happy as oj after his trial
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
