you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
