Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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