Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize