Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize