highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
