Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
