i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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