The maid of honor just puked.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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