don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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