You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i barfeds in our rink
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
