I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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