I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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