My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize