i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
