I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize