Four minutes until I can fart!
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize