You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
