we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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