It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
