Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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