I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
