yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
