She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
