My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
