Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
