when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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