Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
People in love make me want to vomit
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
