ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
do herpes really smell.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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