I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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