She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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