If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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