the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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