Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
