my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
