my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
