I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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