I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize