seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
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