i don't plan on having that self control this summer
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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