I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Dicks are not precious.
Randomize
