I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
