its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
