If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
