youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
