Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I think I sprained my soul last night
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
