I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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