My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
