Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
