I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
