Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
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