My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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