he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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