also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
