i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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