I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
