hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
It's just like the Real World with babies
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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