Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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