all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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