At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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