i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
