mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize
